I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
