I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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