Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
