3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
