Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
