That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
