I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
