so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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