i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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