then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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