bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The air was thick with penises
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
