I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I love you. Go after that dick
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
