Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
