Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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