I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
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Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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