Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
did i just pee glitter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
