The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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