I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
