if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I did not marry a roomba.
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