Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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