I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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