It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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