I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I deserve this hangover.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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