Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
