she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
