i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
