What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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