I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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