I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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