beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
