sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
