My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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