Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
