My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
