Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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