Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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