what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
