Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
