how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
