Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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