AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
