Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I've blown a few things in my day
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
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I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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