You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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