Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just blew my weed a kiss
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
