ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
