So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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