Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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