How's work?
Spinning.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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