you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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