I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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