Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
