so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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